More Than This - Really

It's been a while, but I thought today is as good a day as any to jump back on my soapbox. What do I really want to do with my career? That is the question. I truly can't give a straight answer here - all I can say is it has to be more than this. I don't mean to be so negative, but it's like the Seth Meyers Saturday Night Live skit 'Really?' that I heard a clip of this morning. Really? Did I spend 6 years of my life in school to be a glorified customer service rep? Really? I'm almost 34 and I haven't found my talent? Really? My first real job was when I peaked? Really? I've been a manager, but most of the time I was called a 'manager' I managed nothing? Really? Ok - enough whining, but I just know I can do more than this. I bought into some things the president of my company told me and thought, this is it. I'm finally going to make a difference and be happy and it unforutnately didn't unfold the way I had hoped for. If anything, I've learned there's one less person in my company to trust, but I've also learned that it truly is up to me to find what it is I'm looking for. I still have faith I will find it...reallly.

Back to the drawing board....AGAIN!

It's been a while since I've posted, but sitting here on a Sunday dreading the beginning of the work week tomorrow made me think there's no better time to update.

Again, I find myself ready to make a change and what do you know, my most recent fortune cookie recommended I seek several options before settling. Now if that isn't the universe sending me a wakeup call! My current workplace was supposed to be the final stop for a while - close to home, comfortable hours, 1 or 2 good people to work with, however, after 1.5 years, 4 bosses and two titles that don't really describe all that I do, I'm back to that sinking feeling where my motivation is slipping and the reminder that there has got to be more for me out there. The same question always comes up - will I ever be satisfied enough at work? No one loves to work, but shouldn't I just kind of like it a little bit?

I went from being extremely bored at work to getting what I asked for - more work than I can handle in a 40 hour week. I like that the days fly by, but, by taking on more responsibility, I figured I would prove my worth and it would pay off in the new year. Not so much. So, back to the drawing board again with a job search. I'm still determined to figure out where I can best use my talents. The new blog name should be hard worker still looking to show off my work!

Don't Forget to Point Out Others' Mistakes

Did I spell anything wrong? Don't forget that when you are reading an email, the message means nothing if the subject line has a spelling error in it! Please tell me if you make it your regular practice to point out the mistakes of others - especially to their bosses! It must be the duty of some to make sure this task is accomplished.

I was asked to send an email on behalf of my boss, the high and powerful wizard of...I mean the President, at 5:00 the other day. Why 5:00 and why couldn't he send it since he was still in the office? I'm not sure, but whatever, I took the order and did just that. I re-read and re-read the email several times, however, the man has quite the last name and in the subject line I had typed 'on belhalf of...'. Did I check this line over and over? Well I guess not as I spelled his name wrong - skipping one letter. Is this a problem? It probably shouldn't have happened, but do we all make mistakes and was the message way more important than the subject line? YES! My co-worker took it upon himself to send an email back to my boss pointing out the spelling error saying "make sure you tell her to spell your name right next time" rather than commenting on the actual information in the body of the email.

Will I ever get off this island and fit in as part of a team here? I am not sure. What is the purpose of calling someone out like that. One of my other co-workers gave me really good advice - respect others until they stop respecting you. I am going to try my best to abide by this from now on. I won't hold grudges, but respsect is so important - especially in the workplace. This experience has taught me never to throw stones - we all make mistakes, but it's much better to focus on the successes rather than the failures. AND karma is a bitch and will eventually smack that person around! I am counting on it!

Transponder

And I'm back - today's issue? What do you do when you don't know what you do? I have teased in other posts that others don't know what I do, but I realize more and more every day that I don't have this figured out either. I believe it frustrates me just as much as it frustrates those around me.

I interviewed for a position I found online and the description was in line with my background and experience. I also had a familiarity with the organization so that inspired me to apply as well. I wasn't sure if I'd hear back after quickly submitting my information that way, but low and behold, before long I had a scheduled interview. The whole process was very positive and I felt like I had a good understanding of what I was about to take on so how in less than a year's time, has it all been turned upside down? Each day, my role is further blurred and each day I find that I step on more and more toes upsetting and most likely confusing my co-workers as well.

I truly don't know how I turned into a transponder, but call me "Bing" and slap me on the ass -some how it happened and I need to find direction ASAP.

Confusion or Compliancy

I was at a jewerly party this weekend and a woman asked me what I do - I always answer the question the same way, "It's difficult to explain." and I then proceed to provide way more information than the person actually cared to know. Usually the person is just trying to make conversation. Unfortunately for this woman, she continued the line of questioning by following up with, "how does one get interested in that type of position?". I then spent even more time describing my rollercoaster ride through undergrad, internship, first full-time job and graduate studies. Poor woman!

Well for me, this conversation led me to thinking about my current situation. Am I simply confused on what I want and thinking way too much about it? Or am I complying with the role I have until I find my dream job (if there is such a thing)? My mom described what she felt life was like when she was my age and she explained how important family and home life was and still should be and that she doesn't understand a woman's worry about how well she's doing in her career. I guess I feel that women really do want to do it all and want to be the perfect mother and wife as well as advance to the next level and make a distinct impact at work, too. There are many women who could care less, but from my experience, there are quite a few of us who think we are super heroes or something and that we have more to prove than our counterparts - men - do.

Am I confusing my priorities and what I really am supposed to be concerned about? I'm not sure. Fortunately, I've always held jobs where I could fit in additonal education, a social life and now a family very easily. I'm generally able to adapt my schedule to my home life and balance hasn't really been a problem for me. However, daily I think about the positions I believe I should be in and maybe those types of positions wouldn't fit my family life. Maybe I should be grateful for what I have and stop worrying so much. Ok, but if you knew me, you'd know I worry about everything too much so this probably isn't the easy solution.

I wonder if there is a job out there that will satisfy me and I'm just waiting it out at this time. I'm just complying with it for now because eventually, the lightbulb will go off or the big door will finally open and I'll just take this world by storm and surprise everyone with what I can do! Or maybe compliance is my lot in life even though I just explained to my mom how each one of my immediate family members needs to stop doing just that. It seems we all have our moments when we just comply so we don't upset the apple cart (such an odd saying, but I suppose exploring where the heck that came from deserves a separate blog and post!). We comply or maybe it's 'settle' with a situation or a person just so things can continue to roll along smoothly.

Maybe the bottom line is I'm just confusing myself with this post so will just leave it this way for now. I'm confused and I'm complying - but I suppose I still have faith that I will find what I'm looking for and it will easily fall into my current lifestyle and I'll prove to myself and to others that it can be done. For now, I'll just continue to come to work each day and think about what I plan to do on the weekend.

To Confront or Not to Confront - That is the Question

I like to think I'm generally someone that others can easily relate to and get along with. I enjoy meeting new people and try my best to impress. I am also way too concerned with the way people view me so I probably worry about making friends a little too much, but then again, I also sincerely like people and want to surround myself with them. Unforunately, there are a few individuals in my life that have some kind of issue with me. A completely confident person would probably just shake this off and realize people like this really shouldn't matter to me, but for some reason, I often spend much more energy trying to 'fix' these relationships than I do nurturing the relationships I truly care about with those who really are important to me. It's quite the vicious cycle!

How does this relate to work? Currently, there is one co-worker who I just cannot impress and I truly don't understand. It relates to my role or lack there of - this employee works countless hours and believes she is not properly compensated or valued for all the hard work she does so I believe when she sees me punching the clock at 4:30 before I fall asleep with my head on the keyboard, she immediately looks at me like I serve no purpose and when I get things like a laptop before she does or when I have any time with her boss she looks at me like I'm the scum of the Earth. Granted, I'm assuming these things, but after several staredowns and comments, I think it's safe to say I'm on the right track.

Today for example, I was in her boss's office helping him with a problem and she walked over to his open door and gave me one of her famous 'you are the dumbest person I know' looks so I turned to him and casually said, I have more to discuss with you, but you have people waiting to talk to you, so I'll come back. NO RUDE TONE INTENTIONED (and to my belief, no tone given). She didn't skip a beat with her comment, 'we are NOT people'. Ok, what? This was unexpected and I wasn't sure how to react - not to mention this came right on the heels of a customer reaming me out for something I didn't do. I was shaking, but rather than confront her, I simply said 'Come on...I mean there are people on your team waiting to talk to you' and walked away shaking. Should I have confronted her when she returned to her desk? Part of me really wishes I would have, but the other part of me wonders how that would have solved the problem. I am NOT afraid of confrontation, but I cannot stand when it causes me to feel worse aobut the situation and doesn't provide a solution. There are so many times I bring up my opinion and immediately feel even worse after the other person comes back with his or her defense.

Oh people...I love them, but they certainly can challenge me from time to time.

Venting - Road to a Solution?

I don't know about you, but when I'm frustrated, the first think I want to do is vent to any willing listener. Since I left the company I was at for 8 years, I've yet to find co-workers I can truly trust and depend on again so it's not an easy task at work. Unfortunately, I then turn to my husband who, bless his heart, just isn't the perfect resource for this. He either tells me work is just work and I need to worry more about my family, ignores me because he dislikes the personal negativity that sometimes coincides with the venting or just listens providing no feedback. I suppose this means the only way I'd be satisfied is if he completely agreed with everything I said. So if I don't feel fulfilled after letting out my frustrations to him, I generally turn to my mom because let's face it, aren't your parents supposed to be the most supportive people on your life? Well, my mom, bless HER heart, tries her best. However, she was a teacher and then has held various administration assistant type positions - very worthy experience, don't get me wrong, but she has difficulty relating to me. If you are a Friends fan, I liken it to Chandler - no one really knows what he does or can explain it to others. So, my mom listens to me very patiently, tries her best to understand and then attempts to come up with solutions to my complaints.

Yesterday, after hanging up with my husband, I promptly called my mom and once again, she was completely supportive and thoughtful, but her answer was for me to start over with a whole new direction. I agreed with her to a point, but then when I went home, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't want to start over. Although it's quite a lofty expectation to ask a 17 year old barely ready to leave high school to make the life altering decision of choosing a major, I am pleased with my degrees and certifications. I just have to figure out a way to make them work...and I will. Someday my mom will be able to explain to her friends what it is that her middle daughter does!

I believe my biggest issue is not correctly assessing my background to select the positions that best fit me. I've had quite a few interviews and I know I look good on paper and can easily answer any behavioral question or provide examples of how I've led teams or dealt with difficult people. I just don't go after the RIGHT jobs, rather, I just tell the interviewers that I can take on any challenge. My goal next time is to make the hiring manager want me on their team for specific reasons MORE than I want to be on the team. It's time to take some control and although easier said than done, I think possible.